WHY??

A little background about me:

I have been overweight my entire life. Like the entire thing. Like from the time I can remember, my baby pictures were of that cute little kid with chubby cheeks and rolls in inappropriate places. In elementary school, I was the big kid. In high school, I felt left out because of my self-consciousness with changing in gym class and wearing a swimsuit at my summer lifeguarding job. That was life. It always has been. 

In college, I was diagnosed pulmonary embolism. Blood clots in my lungs. The doctors had no explanation other than the fact that I was overweight and using oral contraceptives. I realized that the only thing I could change in that situation was my weight and I started Weight Watchers. My weigh in weight was 299.7 pounds. After about a year and a half, I was down to around 210. I was the thinnest I'd ever been in my life, and I was finally happy with myself. A wrench was thrown into my weight watchers journey when I graduated college and headed to Kansas City to become an adult. I proceeded to regain most of my weight and got to about 280.

In 2015, I was diagnosed with deep vein thrombosis. More blood clots. This time, after a visit to the hematologist, it was determined that I have Lupus Anticoagulant and will need to be on blood thinners for the rest of my life. Yippee. In 2016, in an effort to get healthy and regain some control of my life (and after a failed attempt to go it alone where I only lost about 10 pounds in 6 months), I decided to go back to Weight Watchers. I got down to about 240, and here I am. 

Lately, I've been struggling with my "why." Why do I want to lose weight? Why do I want to restart this health journey? Why would losing weight make me more confident?

I have a good job that I like. I am generally healthy. I have a boyfriend who's pretty cool. I get to ride horses on a nearly daily basis. I have some amazing friends. It feels like my life is going pretty darn well. So why now?

I want to be healthy. I want to be confident. I want to feel like I'm helping my horse when I ride instead of hindering him. When my horse is lame or has a health issue, I don't want to immediately assume that it's because of the added weight I make him carry when I ride. I want to feel like I can keep up with the kids at the barn. I want to be able to run a full 5k with my friends without losing my breath. I want to be able to go clothes shopping without feeling totally self-conscious. I want to wear a swimsuit and breeches and lingerie confidently. I want to create healthy lifestyle habits that will allow me to be my true self instead of feeling like I'm a pretty awesome human that is trapped in a fat suit. I want to be able to take pictures of myself without judging how many chins I have before I can show it to anyone. I want to feel pretty. I want to be happy. I want to feel sexy. I want to like myself. I want to feel attractive. I want to look good naked. I want to avoid more blood clots. I want to dance without jiggling. I want to be active. I want to like myself. Love myself. I want to be able to exchange clothes with my friends and steal my boyfriend's sweatshirt without having to wonder if it'll fit. I want to prove that I can accomplish something I set my mind to. I want to achieve a goal that I've had my whole life. I want to walk down the street or through a store without feeling like I'm getting stares. I want to go on rollercoasters without worrying if the seatbelt will fit me. I want to enjoy working out. I want to celebrate my imperfections instead of trying to hide them. I want to be me. I want to live my best life. In order to do all these things, I need to start taking my health seriously. I need to lose the weight. 

I think the reasons I'm having so much trouble with my "why" is because there are so many "whys." There are so many reasons for me to lose weight that it's difficult to pinpoint one or several of the most important. When that delicious treat at work is calling my name, it's hard to remember all the reasons why that's not a good idea. When I get home from work and am ravenous after a long day, it's difficult to think of all the reasons why I shouldn't binge. When I'm out with my friends at a delicious restaurant with yummy cocktails, it doesn't feel like there's a healthy choice and it's definitely too difficult to make the decision not to partake at all.

So this is the beginning. There are lots of "whys." There are lots of reasons to start now. Right now. Not tomorrow. Not Monday. Now. It's time.