Late Windermere Run Update

At the end of October (26th-28th), Dezi and I went to Longview Horse Park in Grandview, MO to compete in our first recognized horse show at the starter level. We were in a tough division with 19 riders in the Starter Senior division. Some were trainers, some were amateurs, but most of them were reputable riders whom I had heard of or competed against in the past. I had no expectations going in. My main goal with Dezi was to finish the competition on a number, rather than a letter. I wanted to have positive rides in each discipline, but that was my only goal.

Leah was riding in the Junior Starter division, so we took the day on Friday getting the horses ready, cleaning our tack trunks, bathing the horses, & loading all of our stuff into the trailer. When Chris got off work around noon, we headed over to Longview (about a 45 minute drive). We got to the show and set up the stalls pretty quickly. Then we got ready to ride. We rode on the grass in front of our stalls, and had decided long before the show that we would wear pink for Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Dezi was a bit of a hot head. She seemed to have forgotten a lot of the work we had recently done to get her round and listening. We ended up with some good moments, though, and finished with a small trail ride around the property to get used to the environment.

Then we went to walk the cross country course. Everything seemed pretty straightforward. Nothing was too crazy, and the big jumps that Leah and I had been worried about didn't even look like they would be on the course at all... until we got to the end. The big-ish gray roll top and the ramp mulch jump were the last two jumps on the course! And directly before that, there was a simple jump with a large white lighthouse sitting next to it that might be a bit tricky. I reminded myself that Dezi had jumped all these jumps before and that her breeding & our relationship up until this point would give me confidence that she wouldn't refuse.

Leah was staying at my house that night. We made a quick run to McAllister's for dinner, then headed back to the barn to check on the horses and walk them before heading home for some serious shuteye.

Saturday was an early morning. We got to the barn early to feed, do chores, walk the horses, & watch some of the higher level dressage. About an hour before our ride time, I got Dezi ready and we headed to dressage warm up. I wasn't too concerned about the dressage test, because it was walk/trot only and I had a huge division. I just wanted a positive ride. She was warming up okay. Nothing too groundbreaking or exciting, but she was generally listening to me. She wasn't really bending well, but we just needed to make it through this test. During the test, she felt like she wasn't really paying attention to me and tried to take the reins from me several times. I generally ended up with neutral feelings about our test, but when I got out of the arena, Chris said we had done well. That was all I needed to feel better. And I guess she was right, because we ended up with a 28.4 putting us in 6th place. See our dressage test here: https://youtu.be/Ko5P6IUHzpA. Some of my friends had come, so it was fun to share a good score with them.

On to cross country! We found a good jump where we could leave my friends, and then headed back up to the barns to tack up. On cross country warmup, we did our 2-2-2s and then started jumping. I think I was nervous, and I was starting to trust Dezi too much. She was taking the stride away from me and I was just letting her. Like I did absolutely nothing about it. And then I started getting ahead of her as she was coming up to the fences. And then it happened. I was over her shoulder and she was running toward a stadium oxer. Until she wasn't. And I was on the ground looking up at her. Whoops. Welp, I guess I learned THAT lesson. Good thing I hadn't attached my air vest yet. The next jump we tried, she thought about doing the same thing, but I sat back and drove her over the fence. We didn't have any other issues.

When it was our turn to go out and run the course, we had a total blast! She was a bit hesitant to the first jump, but after she realized what we were doing, she was awesome! We had a bit of a bobble at the fourth jump. It was a simple log, but it had a portion of it that was light, like all the bark had been ripped off it. Dezi did not like it. She hesitated about 10 strides away, and almost ducked out at the last minute, but I was able to put leg on and she jumped it at an angle. After that, the course rode smoothly with a couple trot breaks, until we came out of the woods approaching the lighthouse jump. The pair that had gone out onto cross country in front of me was circling the jump, and it looked like it hadn't been the first time. Her horse refused. I was getting closer and started to get nervous that she wouldn't be out of the way by the time I got there, so I yelled "Coming up!" At that moment, the jump judges called her off the course. Dezi looked at the lighthouse a little, but then she finished the course beautifully. You can watch our ride here: https://youtu.be/EMUzG1pVe5E. She was really sweaty, though, so we had to take a lot of time cooling her down. I walked her a long time and continued walking while Leah rode her course. She had an unfortunate refusal at the lighthouse, but then started riding well and finished the course really well over the two jumps she was most concerned about. We finished the night by going out to eat before we went back to the horse park to walk the horses before bed. Dezi and I went to sleep sitting in 4th place with our double clear XC run.

Sunday morning, we got to the park early again to feed and do chores. Then, we started the morning with a bit of a photo shoot while we walked Dezi and Scooter around the cross country course.

We found spots next to the arena to watch all the upper level jumping until it was time to get ready. We got to the warm up arena really early, as usual. We walked for a long time and then got ready to take some jumps. The warm up arena wasn't nearly as crowded as it usually is, but even still, Dezi handled it like a pro. We took some warm up jumps and she was pretty good, nothing too exciting. And I remembered my lesson from the day before. Going into the ring, Dezi didn't look at anything. She took all the jumps, even the ones with funny standards she had never seen before and ones where my horrible eye lead her to terrible distances. She left all the rails up and we ended up with another double clear round.You can see our stadium round here: https://youtu.be/WdYNEGQUrwk.


I could not have been any more proud of her! She had a rockstar weekend! We ended up 4th in a huge class with 19 competitors, some of which were trainers! At her first show! She is the coolest horse ever. I can't wait to see what the future brings with this big girl.

       

Since then, she's gotten worked about 3-4 times a week with emphasis on dressage. We've worked on lots of transitions, rubber bands within the gaits, & even started on leg yields. She's been great and is really starting to figure out her job and how to use her body. I am so excited for the 2019 show season!

Cross country??? Yes, please!

Last weekend was a whirlwind, so I'm a bit late writing this post. Oh well. 

On Saturday, September 22, we attended the final RIO dressage & combined test. Leah is in the running for the starter horse of the year, so she was pretty excited to defend her honor. I entered Dezi in the green as grass combined test division. We had been jumping more and she was a champ. Honestly, we have learned that she tends to take jumps more seriously when they're more challenging. We kind of assumed she would knock every single crossrail during the show just as an act of defiance to let us know that crossrails are beneath her, but we registered anyway. And at the last minute, I entered her in the Intro C dressage test. That's right. A test that includes cantering. God help me. We also got news shortly before the show that they would have a mini cross country course set up, seeing as they would be hosting the Pony Club D rally on Sunday. Anyone entering the show could school the cross country jumps. No time like the present, right?

This time at RIO, we decided to work out of the trailer instead of stabling Friday night. Leah and Chris were amazing and loaded Dezi for me on Saturday morning so I could just meet them at the park. We immediately got to work. Leah rode around 8:30, so we got her ready and I hand walked Dezi up to the arenas to remind her where she was and to watch the competition. She was totally chill. Surprise, surprise.

After Leah's dressage test, we tacked up for some cross country schooling. We warmed up and jumped a couple baby warm up jumps. Then we proceeded to walk the cross country course (over the jumps that were safe to walk). Dezi walked over every log that I put in front of her. She couldn't care less. So we ran the mini cross country course and she jumped everything. She even got into a rhythm after the first couple and didn't even care about her buddies back at the start box. It was really fun! The only jumps she had trouble with were the stadium jumps that were in the XC field. They were obviously beneath her. We schooled those, but generally, I was very happy with her.

We went on to do the competition. Our dressage tests were OK. Nothing too exciting. Much improved from our last show. I think they were in the mid 30's. I ended up having to do my second dressage test in my jumping saddle, just because of the timing of the show. Our jump round was awesome. She knocked a rail, but I was very happy considering I was pretty sure she would plow through every single one. We ended up with a first place in our Intro C dressage test & second in our Green as Grass CT (only by .1 because of our rail... oops).

We went back to Chris's house where Leah and I spent the evening cleaning tack in preparation for the Mission Valley Pony Club schooling HT on Sunday, September 23rd.

It was an early morning, as horse shows usually are, but apparently Leah and I were excited because we woke up WAY too early. We caught the horses and made them pretty while we waited for Chris to wake up. We arrived at Longview pretty early, so we decided to let the horses chill in the trailer while we walked the starter cross country course. I had to do starter, because that was the lowest division this show offered. Originally, I had planned to just do a CT, but they accidentally signed me up for the HT (including XC) and we figured we'd go with it (and paid the difference), considering how successful she had been in the "XC course" at RIO on Saturday. Most of the XC jumps looked doable with the half roll top and the dreaded black mulch ramp being the only ones I was hesitant about. But she is fully capable, so I'd ride aggressively to those, sit in the back seat, and I assumed it would be fine.

Our dressage test was OK. Again. All the mistakes we made can be attributed to me. I get her too deep into the corners so she isn't able to balance herself enough to hold her frame and gets pissy at me. I messed up my left lead canter depart. But overall, we got a fair 36 (ish).

The stadium course was on grass and had some interesting distances. Most of the distances walked as in-between distances, so the plan was to just ride and keep collected so she could add strides and figure it out on her own. There was also a one-stride, which she had never done before, but whatever... let's try it! She was a champ. Jumps that other people (including people at our barn) refused, she jumped no problem. She jumped planks and a jump that looked like a zebra and never thought twice. We did have a rail, but I think it was just because it was a tough turn getting to that jump. We had to jump a combination and then make a 90 degree turn to the next fence, which is tough considering she can't keep her balance in corners. She's green. I couldn't be mad at her. But that one stride! She jumped it like she'd done it a million times.

Time for cross country. This horse has literally never run a cross country course. She has never done a cross country schooling. She has never seen jumps like these with max height 2'3". She had never seen water. But we were going to go for it. Why not? What could possibly go wrong?? 

As I was waiting for the OK to leave the start box, I turned to the little girl who was supposed to run XC after me. I told her that my horse had never been on cross country before and that we might have to try doing some of the jumps a couple of times. I told her to yell really loud if she was coming up behind me on course. Well, apparently I didn't need to give her any advice at all. Dezi got going and took every single jump on the course. She kind of stutter-stepped and hesitated at the second fence (the half roll top that I was worried about), but she was honest and did the best she could. She just didn't get a good distance and needed to do some quick footwork to be able to get over it. The rest of the course was great! She even jumped the dreaded black mulch jump without a problem. I tried to take her into the water (which she had never seen) and she didn't even hesitate. She stopped and proceeded to walk into the water, but had absolutely no interest in trotting or cantering through the water. I even hailed the taxi and used my whip to encourage her and she still didn't want to trot out of the water. She finished the course in good form. No problems at all. She still needs to figure out her distances, but in general, she did amazing. She surprises me every time I ask her something. She is so cool! We ended up in 4th place in our competitive starter division, but I could care less about the ribbon. This horse is worth more than ribbons. She's quite the gem.

This weekend (September 29th), we went schooling at Longview. Anthony surprised me with a GoPro Hero 5 Session for our anniversary, and we were able to play with it for a bit. However, I hadn't thought ahead enough to charge it long enough the night before, so it didn't even make it to any warm up jumps. Dezi warmed up nicely and jumped every starter jump I pointed her at, and even a few beginner novice jumps. She did banks up and banks down and the little ditch no problem. Our day unfortunately ended abruptly when Leah fell off at the ditch, but it ended on a high note for Dezi and me. I think she's ready for the starter division at Windermere, our first recognized show! And the GoPro will definitely be  making it's official debut! Ready or not, here we come!!

On Sunday, the ponies had the day off and Leah's birthday present to me was a mini Dezi photo shoot!! Happy birthday to me!!

RendezVous

So now that we're all thoroughly saddened by my fairly sudden loss of Dieter as a partner, let me give you a reason to be excited again. There is a new lady in my life. She's a 5-6 year old draft cross (Clydesdale/quarter horse) bay mare with 4 white socks and a brand on her left hind that says "RV". I've decided to call her RendezVous with the barn name Dezi. She's probably somewhere in the range of 15.3 hands, but I haven't officially sticked her. Anyway, Chris showed me some videos of her when I started thinking about selling Dieter. We quickly went to go look at her and fell in love. On our first ride, she had no idea what she was doing and was super green, but she generally felt safe & like she would do her best to do whatever I asked of her. We ended up taking her home with us that night. And we've kept her. And she's exceeded all expectations.

The first week I had Dezi, we weren't able to do very much because it was super rainy and there was a lot going on that prevented much riding. But we did get a chance to cut off the majority of her 2 foot (not really an exaggeration) mane. So we decided to enter her in a show. Why not? What could possibly go wrong? It would be interesting to see how she did in that environment. The second week I had her, we worked on building some rapport, fitting tack to her, and just being able to ride enough to be able to make it through a show with an intro dressage test & some ground poles. I wasn't able to do a whole ton, because work was crazy that week and I had to stay late a lot of nights. Plus, I hadn't taken that Friday off of work, because I hadn't asked for it early enough and my boss couldn't find coverage.

So we took her to Rio Equestrian Center on August 24th. Chris and Leah loaded him for me and I met them at the show grounds. I lunged her Friday night and got on for a quick hack around our dressage arena. She was perfect. She didn't look at anything and she did really well in the open (a little different than the smaller arenas where we had been practicing). After some drama with the fans and discovering that I had spent our whole warm up riding around the wrong dressage ring, I went to Anthony's house for some rest, since it's only 20 minutes from Rio.

Saturday morning, I got to the show around 7am and immediately started taking care of her. I spent the morning and the first part of the afternoon watching my teammates ride. Around 1:30, I started lunging Dezi and getting her ready to ride. The atmosphere was a bit more tense, so I was worried she would be more affected than she was the night before. Nope. She was fine. We had a nice warm up. Didn't even bother cantering, because we wouldn't need to in either of our dressage tests (both were only walk/trot). She went into the ring like she owned it. She had some baby moments, which were to be expected. But overall, she was sane and smart and did everything I asked of her. Our ground pole round was so cute. She went through every standard and didn't look at anything. Being alone in an arena? No biggie. Totally new place? No problem. Never done a course before? I got this, mom.

So she got a day off and then we went to work. We've still been messing with her tack and her bit to make sure we have the right fit. And she recently got her teeth done. But my main concern was whether or not she would jump. Whether or not she would like to jump. Whether or not she would be able to be an event horse. So last weekend, we jumped her.

We started in the round pen where we could use the lunge line to get started. She was totally fine with the jumps. She took them all like cavaletti. No problem. She never thought about not going over the jump. We went from tiny crossrails to 6 inch verticals to 18 inch crossrails to 18 inch verticals and she didn't care about any of it. So I rode her over jumps. She had baby moments in the canter, not wanting to stay in a frame, but when it came to the jumping, she was perfect. She went over everything. She was a total rockstar.

Then this weekend, we went to Iron Horse Hill in Louisberg, KS. We used to go there more frequently, but we haven't been in a while because our footing has been fine, but with all the rain, we needed somwehere to jump safely. Dezi and I rode in a group with our barn's beginner novice horses. And we did it. She started out a little unsure over a small crossrail. We probably did it about 10 times in each direction before she actually took it out of stride and jumped well. So we stood in the middle and watched the other girls jump courses. When they were finished, Dezi and I warmed back up and they dropped the jumps to small verticals for us. She was a total rockstar. She jumped everything well, maintained her frame more consistenly, jumped a combination, & even went over a crossrail/vertical oxer that was 23 inches in the back. She didn't look at anything. She didn't consider stopping. I think she likes to jump! I couldn't be happier with her. And I couldn't stop watching her videos (despite my boyfriend's objections).

And so, a new partnership has begun. I have a good feeling about this horse and this upcoming season. I think we're going to have a lot of fun!

The Dieter Saga

So it's been a while. I'm fully aware. But here's the deal. I've had a lot going on. Mostly depression related to my horse. If you like stories with bitter sweet endings, continue reading. If you don't really care about my horse and our drama and what I've been doing for the last 6 months... I don't know why you're even on this page... but here it is!

Dieter was my horse. He is a 13 year old American Warmblood, and we have been partners for 3 years. He started becoming less than sound (limping slightly, for those non-equestrians) at the end of last season (October of 2017). We thought it was his saddle or that he needed a chiropractic adjustment, but we basically took the remainder of the season off. He also got a new saddle and some time off over the winter (partly because it was really, really cold).

When we came back after the winter, I started doing trot and canter sets to try to get his conditioning started. We started easy, but maybe not easy enough. He slowly became an. Again. Something wasn't right. It was around the time of my last blog post, that the local veterinarian (Randy) came to the barn to check him out. He noted some inflammation in Dieter's fetlock. He said that whether it was inflamed from an injury or something more serious, the treatment would be to start with 2 weeks of stall rest and anti-inflammatories. So Dieter got 2 weeks of stall rest and anti-inflammatories. He didn't get any better. Randy did x-rays this time. He didn't notice anything crazy, just some arthritic changes in the joint. He recommended I take Dieter to a veterinarian with more of a lameness specialty who could do an ultrasound. The next day, we took Dieter to Bob.

Bob did a quick lameness exam on him and took some more x-rays noting that he had a weak suspensory ligament on his left hind leg, with it being particularly sensitive at the insertion to the sesamoid bone. He thought it might be related to his confirmation with a long, angled pastern. He recommended 6 weeks of handwalking and building up his fitness before getting Dieter back into any serious work. And he mentioned that he would not recommend any further jumping for Dieter, or at least not until his fitness could support jumping work. And he recommended that he be used primarily for children. I cried. A lot. I love eventing. If Dieter can't handle it, I don't know if I can transition to only doing dressage. But I was willing to give it a try and at least work on his rehab.

I called Randy the next day. He made me feel better. He told me to hand walk him for 8 weeks, which would also work on my fitness. He told me not to be so sensitive about my weight, because he sees guys at least my size or bigger riding smaller horses in the western world all the time, and he was very encouraging. He & Bob both recommended no small circles (lunging), using sport medicine boots to support the fetlocks, & encouraged me to ice after any sort of work with Dieter. Chris was encouraging the whole time. 

So Dieter got 8 weeks of handwalking followed by 2 weeks of tack walking. Lots of ice. We did laps around the 40-acre field. We had our routine. We got very good at selfies for snapchat. And then I started asking more of him. We started with light trotting followed by significant walk breaks and slowly added in some canter. Dieter was sound. I don't know how. I don't know why. But he was sound on the flat. Chris continued to be encouraging and said I should start riding him like there was nothing wrong. Easier said than done, but I tried. Maybe this was Dieter's way of  telling me that he didn't want to jump anymore. Maybe his confirmation was a problem. Maybe I tried to bring him back too quickly after a winter off. Whatever it was, I was afraid to push too hard, because I didn't want to mess him up. I started working him more regularly and thinking of our plans. Dressage plans. I was too afraid to jump him.

In August, my barn went to Catalpa Corners Horse Trial in Iowa- one of my favorites. It was while we were watching the preliminary stadium jumping with Chris that I totally lost it. I think I even started crying. I love eventing. I love jumping. If Dieter can't handle it, maybe he should go live with someone who wants to do primarily dressage. I started putting feelers out for people who might be interested in him, contacting a couple of people I trusted who had good relationships with horses and would point me in the right direction. In that day, twice, 2 different people showed me an ISO ad on facebook of a client of Clare Walker's who was looking for a schoolmaster-type dressage horse who could teach her the basics. Dieter. She was looking for a warmblood who's movement wasn't too large. Dieter. She was looking for something 8-15 years old. Dieter. All the signs pointed to Dieter. I couldn't make up a more perfect ad for him if I tried.

I immediately contacted them and they met us at Willow Creek one night to try him. And they fell in love. Because he's perfect, so who wouldn't. Clare said things like "this horse is a saint" and "this is the first horse we've looked at who's been exactly as advertised." The lady who was interested in Dieter rode him and he did great. She wasn't even asking him to go into the bridle and he held his head in a frame without even being asked. She cantered him on the lunge line and he looked happy. They started telling me about their barn where he would be in a stall for 12 hours & on pasture with 1 buddy for 12 hours. They told me about how gorgeous the facility was. They told me how much he would be spoiled. They told me he would be ridden about 3 times a week, once with training by Clare. And I wanted them to have him. I thought I was going to be really sad that night. My boyfriend and my roommate thought I was going to be really sad that night, but when I saw them, they were surprised they didn't need to worry about damage control. I was happy. I had found Dieter's new home.

A couple days later, someone else met us at Willow Creek to try Dieter. It was a 10 year old girl who was looking to get into dressage more seriously and her family. They didn't really want to buy a horse until spring. And you could tell they weren't entirely sure what they were looking for. And they had 3 different people ride Dieter in all 3 gaits after I had walked him for 30 minutes because they got there late. I would prefer these people not have Dieter. They weren't right for him. But then I realized that it might not be up to me. Whoever bought Dieter would buy Dieter, and then it would be out of my hands. How depressing is that?!?

The first lady contacted me and said she would like to do a pre-purchase exam with a vet who had never met Dieter before. I was nervous that the stuff from spring would come back to haunt me. I had to wait 2 weeks. In the mean time, I rode him, but sparingly. Each ride felt like it might be my last with him. But I was worried that he wouldn't pass the PPE or that they would find something they didn't like and didn't want to miss all that time in his training for someone else to potentially look at him or to make a sale ad. Leah rode him a few times so I could take video for a potential sale ad. But I really wanted these people to have him. They would be perfect for him.

The day of the PPE came and it was pouring down rain. Harold drove Dieter and me to the vet's office. They examined Dieter for three and a half hours with a fine-toothed comb, finding things wrong with him that I didn't even know about. Apparently he had blind wolf teeth. I never knew. Apparently he had a discoloration in his right eye that was 1/3 the size of the optic nerve that warranted a consult from the equine ophthalmologist in Kansas City. I never knew. And then they did his lameness exam and flexions. I thought he looked pretty good. They did some x-rays. And then they told us that we could go home. Since I wasn't paying for the exam, they didn't tell us any of the results. But it must not have been too bad, because on the way home, I got the text with the offer. And I took it. Because I wanted these people to have Dieter. He was exactly what they needed. And they were exactly what he needed. It would be totally perfect.

So on September 1st, after not even being on the market for a month (and never really seriously at that), Dieter went to his new home. I never had to make a sale ad. I never had to advertise him in any way. He found his new family without even having to try. He loaded onto the fancy trailer with a ramp, a bit curious about what was happening, but he was a perfect gentleman. I was happy for him. He's in the right spot. I was doing well. Until he whinnied as the trailer pulled away. Cue the water works. He was saying goodbye. He will be fine, I knew that. He's good at making new friends. He's good at everything he does (let's be honest). He will be absolutely fine. He will be loved and spoiled and happy. I have a good feeling about it.

So now Dieter is gone and I have to focus my sights elsewhere. More to come about my new adventures... Until then, you'll just have to live in suspense. And I'll just have to get back to those pesky Weight Watchers meetings. No excuses anymore!

A New Beginning

Tonight I went to my first Weight Watchers meeting since June of 2017. It's been almost 9 months. 9 MONTHS! That's the same amount of time that it takes to grow a human (and it feels like I've gained almost the same amount of weight).

I jokingly blame my boyfriend. I've read several articles lately that scientifically prove that those in happy relationships have a tendency to gain 15-20 pounds. Well great. I'm glad I'm happy. Thanks a lot, Anthony.

But secretly, I know it's all me. It's my difficulty with binging after I get home from work and going out to restaurants on the weekends, totally disregarding any healthy habits that might exist during the week. It's my reduced activity level from winter when it was too cold to ride or go for walks. There's honestly an excuse for everything, but excuses don't make change happen. So it's time for me to change my mindset.

One of the things that really hit me at the Weight Watchers meeting tonight wasn't even something from this week's discussion. It was an article in last week's weekly bulletin talking about setbacks and bouncing back. One of the suggestions made in the article was to write yourself a letter for the times when you have a setback and are feeling totally down on yourself. So here I am. The following is that letter to myself:



March 20, 2018
Nancy,

You are not your weight. You are not the number on a scale. You are beautiful inside and out. You have a way about you that is magnetically attractive to the people around you. You are outgoing and compassionate in a way that makes people feel better about themselves. You should be proud of the woman you have become and the things you have accomplished. You have an amazing job and a beautiful home. You have a boyfriend who loves you, friends who have become family, and animals who are bonded closely with you. You work hard every day for the things that you have and the place where you are in life. You have many, many people in your life who care deeply about you. You are an attractive, intelligent, passionate human being.

You are not your weight. You are not the number on a scale. Do not let this negate all the progress you have made. Do not let this simple mistake determine your self-worth. Tomorrow is a bright, new day. You have it in you to come back from this and begin again. Life is a marathon, not a sprint. There will be tough days and there will be days when it feels easy. Keep fighting. You have so many reasons to keep fighting. It will be worth it. I promise.

Love always,
~Nancy

WHY??

A little background about me:

I have been overweight my entire life. Like the entire thing. Like from the time I can remember, my baby pictures were of that cute little kid with chubby cheeks and rolls in inappropriate places. In elementary school, I was the big kid. In high school, I felt left out because of my self-consciousness with changing in gym class and wearing a swimsuit at my summer lifeguarding job. That was life. It always has been. 

In college, I was diagnosed pulmonary embolism. Blood clots in my lungs. The doctors had no explanation other than the fact that I was overweight and using oral contraceptives. I realized that the only thing I could change in that situation was my weight and I started Weight Watchers. My weigh in weight was 299.7 pounds. After about a year and a half, I was down to around 210. I was the thinnest I'd ever been in my life, and I was finally happy with myself. A wrench was thrown into my weight watchers journey when I graduated college and headed to Kansas City to become an adult. I proceeded to regain most of my weight and got to about 280.

In 2015, I was diagnosed with deep vein thrombosis. More blood clots. This time, after a visit to the hematologist, it was determined that I have Lupus Anticoagulant and will need to be on blood thinners for the rest of my life. Yippee. In 2016, in an effort to get healthy and regain some control of my life (and after a failed attempt to go it alone where I only lost about 10 pounds in 6 months), I decided to go back to Weight Watchers. I got down to about 240, and here I am. 

Lately, I've been struggling with my "why." Why do I want to lose weight? Why do I want to restart this health journey? Why would losing weight make me more confident?

I have a good job that I like. I am generally healthy. I have a boyfriend who's pretty cool. I get to ride horses on a nearly daily basis. I have some amazing friends. It feels like my life is going pretty darn well. So why now?

I want to be healthy. I want to be confident. I want to feel like I'm helping my horse when I ride instead of hindering him. When my horse is lame or has a health issue, I don't want to immediately assume that it's because of the added weight I make him carry when I ride. I want to feel like I can keep up with the kids at the barn. I want to be able to run a full 5k with my friends without losing my breath. I want to be able to go clothes shopping without feeling totally self-conscious. I want to wear a swimsuit and breeches and lingerie confidently. I want to create healthy lifestyle habits that will allow me to be my true self instead of feeling like I'm a pretty awesome human that is trapped in a fat suit. I want to be able to take pictures of myself without judging how many chins I have before I can show it to anyone. I want to feel pretty. I want to be happy. I want to feel sexy. I want to like myself. I want to feel attractive. I want to look good naked. I want to avoid more blood clots. I want to dance without jiggling. I want to be active. I want to like myself. Love myself. I want to be able to exchange clothes with my friends and steal my boyfriend's sweatshirt without having to wonder if it'll fit. I want to prove that I can accomplish something I set my mind to. I want to achieve a goal that I've had my whole life. I want to walk down the street or through a store without feeling like I'm getting stares. I want to go on rollercoasters without worrying if the seatbelt will fit me. I want to enjoy working out. I want to celebrate my imperfections instead of trying to hide them. I want to be me. I want to live my best life. In order to do all these things, I need to start taking my health seriously. I need to lose the weight. 

I think the reasons I'm having so much trouble with my "why" is because there are so many "whys." There are so many reasons for me to lose weight that it's difficult to pinpoint one or several of the most important. When that delicious treat at work is calling my name, it's hard to remember all the reasons why that's not a good idea. When I get home from work and am ravenous after a long day, it's difficult to think of all the reasons why I shouldn't binge. When I'm out with my friends at a delicious restaurant with yummy cocktails, it doesn't feel like there's a healthy choice and it's definitely too difficult to make the decision not to partake at all.

So this is the beginning. There are lots of "whys." There are lots of reasons to start now. Right now. Not tomorrow. Not Monday. Now. It's time.