I am NOT superwoman.

I spent the summer planning a wedding and preparing for a full fall show season. I am superwoman. I can do it all. I am a hard worker. I am capable. I can do this.

Dezi and I started our fall season by going to the American Eventing Championships in Lexington, KY at the Kentucky Horse Park. We qualified at both beginner novice and the novice level, but since we've been showing novice all season and Dezi respects the show jumps more at the novice level, Chris and I decided to enter the novice division. We got there on September 1 after spending the day traveling. We got the stall set up and found our campsite where we could park the camper for the week. September 2 was dressage day, but we wouldn't be riding until about 4 in the afternoon. I hand walked Dezi several times around the park to get her acclaimated. She was crazy every time I walked her. I tried to keep her out of the stall as much as possible. We let her chill a bit while we went to visit Samantha at the dressage barn where she's working in the morning. It was so amazing to see her and all she's been doing! She has grown up so much and has truly become an amazing woman! And Emily is a great influence for her! We had an amazing dressage warmup and then as soon as I went into the arena, I froze up. We ended up with a disappointing 37.0 to put us in 39th place out of 53 riders. We walked XC several times and I even walked it the morning of September 3rd. Everything looked big to me on foot, but I knew that things always look smaller when I'm actually on Dezi, so it would totally be OK. Again, I got Dezi out of the stall as much as possible and then Chris and I watched some XC before I got ready for my ride at about 6:30pm. Dezi and I would be the second to last pair to tackle the novice XC. Dezi felt a little funky when we started jumping. I later described it as a frantic crazy instead of her usual prepared enthusiasm. In hindsight, it was probably me. I was nervous. I was trusting her too much to calm my nerves, and as a responsible horse owner, I should know never put her in charge of my nerves. We headed out to XC and bobbled the first log, so I pushed her forward to the next fence, which she jumped well. But disaster hit when I headed toward the third fence, a tall coop with a flat landing followed closely by a bit of a natural ditch. Instead of sitting up and riding her to the fence, I trusted her too much because of her forward ride to fence 2. She stopped and I was over her shoulder too much to save myself. It was disappointing. I immediately stood up, addressed the medical crew that came to help me, and then a cried as I hand walked my horse off the course and back to the barns. All that hard work all year and I blew it. I didn't get to ride through the head of the lake. I didn't get to ride in the Rolex arena. But I think what hurts the most is that I've qualified for 4 AECs on 3 different horses and I've fallen off on XC at 3 of them. I'm fully aware of the common denominator. And it's frustrating. I feel like I put so much time and energy and effort into succeeding, and I just keep letting myself (and my horses and my coach) down. We hung out the next couple days. Dezi and I went for a long hack around the park. I got a lesson from Emily. And we headed home on Sunday, September 5 starting to make a plan for how we could get out of this hole I had dug for myself. 

A couple weeks later (on September 26th... the day after my bachelorette party), there was a one- day horse trials at Heritage Park, our hometown event. In an effort to figure out my confidence issues, we decided to enter the one-day without schooling XC the previous day. We did OK in dressage, dropped one rail in stadium (which wasn't super surprising, because I forgot to walk it), and then we headed out to XC. The course rode fine, but Dezi was pretty sticky to every jump, preferring the chip instead of the natural spot. Until we got to the final table. As we were approaching it, my thought was "Wow! That looks like a huge f**king jump." Instead of sitting in the back seat and being the confidence Dezi needed, I went up over her shoulder and she stopped. I ended up in front of the saddle. Luckily, because it was a table, she couldn't put her head down, so it took me a while, but I was able to monkey back into the saddle. We came around and rode the jump again, this time with more conviction. She jumped it fine. But again, I was frustrated. I was failing my horse and my coach... and myself. Chris and I decided that it would be within Dezi and my best interests to drop down to beginner novice for the Heritage Park Horse Trials, which would be the week after my wedding.  We also decided to get her hocks checked out to see if she would need injections, which the vet highly suggested. She had been sore. She was probably sore at AECs, too, but she's so stoic and willing to do anything I ask of her that I never knew! I also had a lot on my mind, so I wasn't giving myself and my horse the respect we both deserved. Mentally. I was unfocused. Hopefully I could be more mentally present after the wedding. 

The next weekend, I got married. October 2, 2021 was the day of my dreams. Literally, I lived the wedding that I had dreamed of as a little girl. It was absolutely perfect in every way. I took the whole week before off of work to make sure I'd have some down time before everything got crazy. I was able to ride during the day in the beginning of the week but then I took off from riding when family was in town and then got back to riding on Tuesday. 

I got in as many rides as I could before I took off work on Friday October 8, and borrowed Anthony's truck to haul myself and my horse to Olathe. Our first solo trip! I needed some help backing, but otherwise, I was pretty proud of myself! Dressage went better than it had been going at the previous shows. I was still stiff and perched, but I ended up with a 32.3 to put us in 2nd place. XC was awesome! It was a whole new course with new tracks and lots of new jumps. Granted, it was a level lower than we had been typically riding this year, but we rode it! Dezi was a rockstar. Even on jump 14 which was similar in terrain to our bogey jump at AECs. I walked off the XC course with a gigantic smile on my face! "It was me!" And then there was stadium. I dropped one rail, but we were able to maintain our 2nd place position. I think we finally had our confidence back! We decided to try our hand at novice at our last show of the season at Windermere Run 2 weeks later. We were back!

The weekend between Heritage and Windermere, we headed out to Longview Lake to do some XC schooling. We jumped all of the novice jumps we could find and she felt great!

I hauled Dezi to Longview Lake on our second solo voyage to Windermere Run HT on September 22. I got there early to set up the stall. We had a lesson with Chris and then walked XC. I braided Dezi and then headed home to get as much sleep as possible. We rode dressage at 10am on Saturday morning. I actually rode it. I was relaxed and thinking throughout the whole test. Until I forgot my stretchy trot... just went right on past it. I pulled myself together and finished the test with a 32.1 includng my error! We were sitting in 2nd place. We totally could have had our sub-30 dressage score (a goal for the year). At least now I know we're totally capable! Then we got to run XC- again, whole new tracks and a couple new jumps. She was a beast! She took the bending line like a pro and we even had to circle before the finish line because we were going too fast! We maintained our 2nd place position. Stadium jumping on Sunday got delayed a couple of hours because of some serious weather we had overnight and that morning. We had a beautiful warm up and then I went into the arena and went slightly braindead. I was over her shoulder, trusting her too much. I didn't have the correct rhythm. I didn't ride her well at all, and it never got better. The jumps that we managed to leave up were because she saved me. I rode like crap and we knocked 3 rails. That 12 additional points took us from 2nd to 7th, which is hilarious, because the ribbon matches all of my things! My husband said that maybe I should change my color to blue! 

I'm proud of myself and my horse for how we stayed determined and finished strong after a couple of bobbles this season. When things had been going so well, it was easy for me to forget that it takes hard work and mental energy to maintain that success. I AM NOT SUPERWOMAN! I cannot do it all. So the next time I decide to plan a wedding and maintain a full show season, someone please remind me not to be an idiot!